Why Your Child Might Be Refusing School — and How You Can Support Them

Does your child find going to school challenging? Is it putting a daily strain on you both?

In this post, we explore some of the reasons children may refuse school, common myths about children’s mental health, how to talk to your child about what’s going on, letting go of ‘perfect parenting’, and how to discuss getting support.

The Facts

A recent UK survey found that about 28% of secondary pupils reported missing school in the past year.

Around half of these pupils reported experiencing anxiety, depression or other mental health distress because they felt unable to cope.

The Office for National Statistics (ONS) reported that the probability of experiencing mental ill health increases as school absence increases for children aged 5-16.

For parents and caregivers, this can feel like a vicious cycle – a child stays off school because they’re struggling, but being absent can sometimes deepen feelings of anxiety and low mood.

Reasons Children Refuse School

§  Anxiety/ Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA) –Anxiety is one of the most common reasons children struggle to attend school.

§  Bullying and Cyberbullying – Can make school feel unsafe and unpredictable.

§  Academic Stress – Exams, pressure to achieve, or falling behind can feel overwhelming.

§  Neurodivergence –Children with ADHD, autism or learning difficulties might find the school environment overwhelming or lack appropriate support.

§  Social Stigma – Some children mask their difficulties to appear “fine”, this means their needs can be missed, leading to burnout, anxiety or depression.

§  Moving Schools – Transitions can be extremely stressful for children.

§  Personal Issues - Family difficulties or a bereavement can increase a child’s need to stay at home.

§  Post-pandemic Effects – Long periods at home have resulted in children being less tolerant of school routines and social interaction.

Myth Busting

Myth: Bad parenting causes poor mental health in children

Fact: Mental health is influenced by many factors - daily life, environment, genetics, and stress levels - not just parenting.

Myth: Children with mental health issues are attention- seeking

Fact: Challenging behaviour in children is often a sign of distress, it’s a child’s way of communicating that they need help.

Myth: Children are resilient

Fact: Children can be resilient but it’s still important to acknowledge trauma and emotional pain. Assuming a child is “fine” when they are struggling can lead to long-term difficulties including school absence.

Talking to Your Child

It’s important to be open-minded and not make assumptions about what’s going on for your child. You might be tempted to look through your child’s phone, but this could lead to a lack of trust.

Find a time to talk to them and find out what’s going on, even if it’s hard to hear. It’s important to remain calm and non-judgemental so that your child feels confident opening up to you.

Ask them what they think would help. Validate their feelings and make gentle suggestions. Let your child lead the conversation so that they feel safe. Discuss together where support might come from, such as speaking to the school or encouraging your child to talk to a teacher they trust.

Your child’s school may be able to refer them to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS). Your GP can give you more advice about supporting them and refer you to further mental health services.

5 Ways to Let Go of ‘Perfect Parenting’

1.    Focus on being present rather than perfect – your child doesn’t care about perfection they just need you to be there when they need you.

2.    Be kind to yourself – Give yourself the same compassion you offer your child.

3.    Prioritise – let go of getting mundane tasks done and focus on connecting with your child and being emotionally available.

4.    Say sorry – We all make mistakes or lose our temper, take accountability, you’re only human. Your child will receive the message that relationships can be repaired.

5.    Zoom out – Focus on what works for your family not what social media parents are showing, this is your real life.

If you feel your child is struggling to attend school and their mental health may be affected, consider having a gentle conversation about speaking to a therapist. Therapy for children and young people doesn’t always look like traditional talking therapy — it may involve play, creative activities, or simply having a safe space to explore what’s troubling them.

If parenting is feeling overwhelming, therapy for yourself can also be a valuable source of support.

If your child is refusing school, you don’t have to manage this alone. Seek support, stay patient and present with your child, and offer yourself the same compassion you offer them while accessing any help you may need.

Children’s Mental Health Week runs from 9–15 February 2026, offering an opportunity to start conversations, seek support, and remind families they’re not alone.